Saturday, March 24, 2007

Feline folly

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door mat at Tin City in Naples

How to Give a CAT a pill:

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a DOG a pill:

  1. Wrap it in bacon.

And that is why I am a dog person ;-)


Pat said...

Oh, I'm sitting here giggling away! I can relate!

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Kate said...

I'm not giggling; I'm howling with laughter!! Very funny,.Isabella! A wonderful post for a week-end which is usually quite slow for bloggers and comments!!

Ming_the_Merciless said...

HAHAHA! That is too funny!

I am a dog person too (althought dog-less right now). I hear peanut butter works just as well as bacon.

Gerald England said...

That cat joke has been round the internet in emails for at least the last eight years -- shame the name of the original author has been lost along the way.

Still rip-roaringly funny, especially to doggy people like me.

Frank said...

...and then the alligator said, "I like cats, they taste just like chicken."

Chuckeroon said...

Izzy, I know this. I'm so skilled I can do by about stage 9 or 10!!!

Dsole said...

HAHAHAHA you're so funny!
But over all, I'm more a cat person.. even all I have had were some mouses in my house... they'were so cute, but died weeks ago.. :_(

Chris & Deb said...

I've never seen this particular had me laughing out loud the whole way through!

Rauf said...

Its so funny Isabella, the cat gives suggestions on how to give dog a bath. I'll dig it out Isabella. Read it somewhere.

alice said...

Excellent! I have had several cats so i can relish reading your lines! And my first bike was a very little red one with very big yellow tyres. I do remember how difficult it was for me to follow my 7 years older brothers...

Victoria said...

Heh, that is why I'm a dog person as well. Mine seems to think that pills are treats and she will eat them happily with no bacon or peanut butter.

Really funny post.

Oya said...

I haven't read this joke before. When I saw your post,so long; I said whatttt? I laughed, laughed and stil laughing at....Well, you do know I am a dog person...

angela said...

I'm not laughing because tomorrow I have to worm my cat!
Nice one Isabella.

Ben said...

This is outstandingly funny!
It's the commentary, I'm talking about. (well, I love that kind of Joke on the mat,too)

I'm a dog person too...

susan in atl said...

LOL! So true!

Also a reason why I am a dog person too! In addition to the fact that they are so affectionate and give love so readily, unlike cats who TAKE love...only when they feel like it!

But both my brothers have cats and they love them.

Nikon said...

Very funny and oh so true. I have a cat and it is impossible to give her a pill or liquid medicine by dropper.
I love dogs too - use hot dog segments to bury a pill in.

isabella said...

It's great to hear from both sides...dogs or cats, bottom line - we love our pets!

Victoria - same thing here, my golden would eat Heartworm pills like candy!

Alice - bon chance demain!

Thanks all for stopping by on a Saturday ;-)

Nathalie said...

I laughed
I like dogs

Am a little less grumpy

Jilly said...

Oh love this. Just catching up after some busy days and I missed this. Just the ticket for a lazy Sunday morning - so funny.

Yeah...dogs are easier...

woof woof - Jilly x

blueboat said...

this is so funny and as a cat owner I can really empathise!

The Wellspring said...

HA! That was hilarious!


Kala said...

sooooo CUTE!!! I love it! ahhh sweet!

Beverly said...

My friend has that door mat...too cute. And the advice on how to give the cat medicine is too good.